Note: This piece first appeared in the recently released, Worthy: Celebrating the Value of Women, by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Eric Schumacher (p. 223-226). If you haven't already, I'd encourage you to purchase this important book. In it, Elyse and Eric embark on a carefully charted journey through the pages of Scripture, from Genesis to Revelation, inviting readers to join them on this celebratory pilgrimage as they encounter the very good, image-bearing value of women.
Disappointment Upon Disappointment:
When the God an Abuse Victim Worships is Not Reflected in the Church She Attends
Acting as assistant to Chris Moles allows me the opportunity to regularly speak to women and hear their stories not only of marital abuse, but also (equally tragic) stories of churches whose responses to both victims and perpetrators of abuse resulted in additional hurt and harm. No matter how many times I am privileged to participate in conversations like these, the contrast between what I know of God and His loving-kindness toward women and the way many churches bearing His name handle cases of abuse never ceases to astound me. Reflecting on the conversations I’ve had with victims, I believe there are two primary ways in which this contrast is most glaring.
Provision and Protection
God’s provision and protection of women throughout Scripture is primarily unconditional and rooted in his gracious, merciful love for sinful, broken people as a whole. Quite differently, we often see churches establishing strict limits and conditions around their potential support of abuse victims. Many churches wash their hands altogether of their biblical responsibilities to provide protection and provision to a victim simply because the church’s leadership disagrees with the means she may use to resist her husband’s abuse. Please realize, in the cases we see, women are not retaliating with physical violence, slander, manipulation, or any other number of obviously sinful responses (though their husbands are likely employing these very same tactics with little to no recourse from these very same churches). Instead, these women are choosing to pursue avenues of help and safety such as seeking outside counselors or advocates educated in the dynamics and impacts of abuse, fleeing the home or contacting police without the express “permission” of their pastors, or filing for divorce in light of their husband’s continued blatant (and frequently years-long) unrepentance. What’s more, these women typically only seek out these additional care paths after months and
sometimes even years of patiently attempting to respond to their abuser according to the strict dictates of their church’s leadership.
Value and Honor
The Old and New Testaments both offer examples of God bestowing on women value and honor uncommon to that period of history. We see this in the creation narrative, as God fashions the first man and woman, each bearing His image equally. We see this when the angel of the Lord appears and speaks to a discarded Hagar, bringing not further shame and humiliation but dignity and care. We see this in God providing the prostitute Rahab with safety and redemptive inclusion in the royal line of Israel. We see this in Jesus and the apostles laboring in fellowship alongside women as essential assets and partners in Gospel ministry. Sadly, this kind of value and honor is not often bestowed on the victims we speak with. Instead, many church leaders (primarily men) treat these women as simple and spiritually inferior at best, and suspicious and scheming at worst. This is especially devastating for women who have served their churches and supported their pastor’s leadership faithfully over the years (unlike many of their abusive husbands). What these women once thought was a mutually honoring relationship with their pastor and church can quickly turn sour when a woman approaches them for help (or worse, by doing so she exposes their inadequacies) in the area of abuse intervention.
The saddest irony of all is that, for many of these women, their initial expectation was that their church would provide the help and hope they longed for, and they would then have had no need to pursue outside resources. They expected their churches to be a refuge of safety and security. They expected their churches to respond with righteous indignation to the abuse taking place, not their cries for help or means of biblical resistance. For these women, their disappointment in and disenchantment with the church is deep. Based on what they knew about God from Scripture, they expected His under-shepherds to provide and protect them as sisters worthy of value and honor just as He always has done. But sadly, this is not the experience of many women. One of the most heartbreaking sentiments victims have repeatedly voiced to me is that they are well aware of this disparity. Realizing this, they remind themselves regularly, “The God I love and worship is not accurately reflected in the church I attend, therefore I must fight to put my faith in Him and not His fallible people.”
While I admire these women and their commitment to love, trust, and fear God above all else, it shouldn’t have to be this way. These women shouldn’t have to tend to wounds inflicted not only by their abusive husbands but by their churches as well. These women shouldn’t have to grieve the Godlessness of their husbands as well as the Godlessness
their churches. These women shouldn’t experience more God-like care and compassion in the company of nonbelievers than in the presence of His people, the church.
Speaking with these women brings many occasions for tears as I grieve with them not only the loss of marriage relationships, but also the church relationships dashed in the wake of abuse. But along with that grief comes rejoicing, because the God these women have
chosen to put their faith in will not disappoint them. He has always been and will always be their Protector, Provider, and Bestower of value and honor. Time and again, as I speak with these women navigating the deep, dark waters of abuse, I am astounded by the humble
strength that comes as a result of being anchored to Him. While their churches might wrongly view them as rebellious or far from God, these women of faith are actually intimately and desperately dependent upon Him to be who He says He is because all other lifelines
have long since gone away.